thou doest know

earlier in the week I shared a little more of our story

in a collaborative post at A Royal Daughter 

in efforts to encourage those still walking through the valley of infertility…

and for those of you who have been so kind

to invite me

to share our story with your church family or women’s groups

or for those of you who have been a part of our close knit support system

bear with me as I share this story with those who may not have heard it…

*********

I was  a control freak.

I still battle the demons occasionally

but not like I used to…

in my struggle to control my life

I learned many, many things

#1..know when to hold em’ and know when to fold em”

shy of standing on my head

I tried everything

while we were “trying” to grow our family

and actually I need to retract the above statement

“shy of standing on my head”

because at one point during our journey I spent 3 nights in the hospital

with my bed tilted like an abandoned seesaw

head south, feet north

in preterm labor

Doc hoped the manuver would save her

it didn’t.

grief stricken

and MAD

after our second stillborn

I began reading a book given to me by a dear friend

Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow

my #2 FAV BOOK OF ALL TIME

various stories from women

on their journey to contentment

in it author states “true contentment is a holy place”

I agree.

I was barely into the second chapter when I had my first

MOMENT OF IMPACT

she tell the story of two monks:

both wanted an olive tree

each were  given a branch

the first monk did everything he knew to do to nurture his branch

watered it, fed it, protected it from frost

and yet

it died.

the other monk

gave his branch no special attention

and his branch

flourished

when the first monk asked the second

“what did you do to get your branch to live?”

he simply replied

“I entrusted it to it’s Maker.

Thou has made it and thou doest know.”

Those words

branded my heart

and I’ve never been the same

in that moment

I folded.

I surrendered

my control

my body

my womb

to my Maker

“Thou hast made me and thou doest know.”

it was then

I determined whether the Lord ever chose to bless us with a baby

or not

I was His.

to use however He chose

His surrendered vessel.

and you know what??

I’m glad I did.

because now, looking back

it was exactly what He wanted me to do

all along.

It is good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn your statutes.