by the way…no spooning

 the outpouring of love and support from you all has humbled me all over again….with all of my heart I believed while we were enduring this season that God would make it good.

My senior quote was, “The harder the battle the sweeter the victory.”

 

I believed it then on days I couldn’t hold my head up and I believe it more now…….If you are in a season and nothing makes sense or you’re weary and hard pressed, ready  to quit or you’re living numb….

KEEP FIGHTING FRIENDS……..we’re ROOTING FOR YA!  He’s not finished with you.  His will is perfect.

 

NO PAIN IS IN VAIN…

 

and so we continue…..

if there was a calm before the storm I guess this was mine…… after this it gets ugly.

*********************

If the day was long, the night was longer.

 

 

It was late.

 

 

Most of our family and friends had gone home before I was transferred to another room.

 

 

J, Momma and Lily had decided to stay the night. Our room had a couch the size of a loveseat and a reclining chair.

 

Thankfully the room had a good bit more space and a window.

 

 

While the nurses assisted me in getting settled I heard the three amigos discussing who was going to sleep where.

 

 

Momma insisted, “I’ll take the chair or the cushions from the chair and sleep on the floor.”

 

 

“No, mother. You are not sleeping on the floor. Let J sleep on the floor and you sleep with me,” was Lily’s stern response.

 

 

“No, his back hurts. Let him have the bed. It will be better for him, ” Momma said.

 

 

The exhausting exchange continued as I watched J in the corner chair fretfully rubbing his face like Barney Fife on that episode of Andy Griffith when Barney tried to recite the preamble, remember?

 

At last, he exploded, “I DON’T WANT TO SLEEP WITH MY SISTER-IN-LAW!”

 

When….wait for it…………..I SNAPPED!!

 

“FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY!

WOULD Y’ALL JUST GET IN THE BED AND PLEASE BE Q-U-I-E-T!”

 

 

The side effects of the epidural and the stress of the previous days had my head feeling as though it were seriously about to blow!!!

 

 

“Just.get.in.the.bed. for cryin’out loud….please.”

 

 

Sensing my weariness someone finally hit the lights.

 

 

With mother on the floor, and Lily and J on the couch bed I couldn’t resist,

 

 

“and by the way…..no spooning,” was the witty close to the hellacious day.

 

 

Snickers followed by desperate to breathe belly laughs filled our empty room.

 

 

It was that awkward, don’t –know- what –else- to- do- LAUGH- or- CRY -kinda-moment.

 

 

That minute of release allowed a better end to one of the worst days of my life.
The next morning as we were signing discharge papers a grief counselor dropped by.

 

I was very much still processing the night from hell as I listened to her share the stages of grief.

 

 

When I had heard all that I could stand I politely interrupted her with,

 

 

“This is not our first loss. I get the stages of grief.”

 

 

She quickly offered her condolences, handed me her contact information and left us with a box full of special items to help us remember our baby.

 

As if I could ever forget.

 

 

Finally, we were headed home. Empty handed, again.

 

 

The house was clean. Cards and flowers scattered everywhere.

 

 

Our family and friends had done everything they knew to do to make our homecoming a pleasant one.

 

 

I remember walking straight to our bedroom, lying facedown on our bed and screaming to the top of my lungs,

 

 

“I HATE THIS!! I’M EMPTY AGAIN! WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?!”

 

That was Act One of the drama that was about to become my life.

 

 

A couple of days later just when I felt as though I might not die from despair my milk came in.

 

I have milk and no baby to feed…..perfect.