I cried for days.

recently while flipping through old prayer journals

I revisited a painful season of life

actually

exempting our season of infertility and loss

it was by and large the most painful season of my life thus far…

Momma and Daddy always took us to church

we loved our church

our church family, was family.

we LOVED VBS!

our Sunday school teachers

& we loved singing about Jesus

Momma and her sister were the children’s choir directors

we traveled all over

singing about our Savior

one summer,

all the way to Washington, DC

lettin’ our little lights shine

I first spotted Cowboy Dan out of the window of our little church

on Easter morning

at the ripe old age of 15

by July

it was love.

We married in our little church four years later

Together we taught the youth four or five years

when Love was asked to be chairman of the deacons

he was mid to late twenties

too young you say??  yea, we thought so too

but the men he looked up to

thought he was the man for the job

so he accepted.

Up until this point

church was flawless as far as we were concerned

in our young, naive,  inexperienced minds

everybody got along,

who cares what color the carpet is?? right?!

we love Jesus.

everybody agreed on everything

because we love Jesus. right?.

padded pews? bench pews?

who cares right?

we love Jesus.

all was well with the world

within a few short months

we began to see the other side

the business side of the church

not so pretty

apparently everybody doesn’t agree

and some do care, very much,  about the color of the carpet

in just a couple of years

we saw and experienced a lot

a pastor search

many guest speakers, finally a pastor,

and unfortunately

not a “happily ever after”

the little church

that had been my home away from home

split.

now.

you wanna talk about sad?.

I was sad.

I thought I had known sad.

I had not.

here is part of my journal entry

ten years ago today,

“God I’m here at home on a Sunday and I feel like a duck out of water. I want to be surrounded by your people this morning…Lord I pray for Jason.  Grant him wisdom.  He’s hurting, confused, disappointed. Let the peace that comes from you rain down on him.  You word from James is my prayer..

I cried for days.

We mourned the closing of that chapter of our lives

the weeks and months following

hurt.

I lost our first baby, our sweet Samuel two months later

entering “the dark night of my soul”

but you know what?

the Lord is close to the broken hearted.

He binds up our wounds.

that painful time,

made me teachable.

some things I learned:

It’s not about me.

It’s not my church or our church.

We are HIS church.

His Bride.

We are HIS HANDS and FEET.

People will disappoint you.

Jesus does not.

We visited  A LOT of churches the following year

HIS SOVEREIGNTY

was affirmed time and time again

through messages, His word, His people.

I realized unfortunately,

there are no perfect churches

because there are no perfect people

and this is why

we need a Savior.

so tonight

ten years later

I PRAISE HIM

I praise Him for the pain, the disappointment, frustrations and sadness of that season

and tonight I

sing like never before

Oh my soul

I’ll worship his Holy name,

sing like never before

Oh my soul

I’ll worship Your Holy name

for the all His goodness

I will keep on singing 

..by the way

I was recently given the privilege to speak at the little church that was once home

and it was wonderful

a great night of fellowship &

peace and

love