day 8: I am not the woman I was before Samuel.

you may want to grab a tissue or maybe not

you can’t say I didn’t warn you..

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I’ve written here many times about our years of infertility and our season of loss …

Recently I heard a woman speak who has just lost her infant son and twins (@ 20 weeks) within the same year — she referred to herself as a “loss mom”..Her words pierced me..

Life begins at conception.  I will not debate that issue.  As a mother of two heavenly babies and a mother of two now -it’s something I KNOW.

and why I want to share more about our little Samuel and how he changed me forever in just 17 weeks.

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I was living a fairy tale.

I had a storybook childhood, had married my high school sweetheart who just so happened to be a cowboy  and was working my dream job.  What more could a gal want?

My plans were working out perfectly.  All I needed was to complete my Masters degree and tenure and then we could have our 4 kids (=2 boys and 2 girls) and live happily ever after.

I didn’t have it written down but the list was in my head

Masters done.  Next, tenure . Then start “trying”….

Try as we may…the Lord had a different “to-do” list….

We “tried” for years.  Four to be exact.  And maybe to you four years doesn’t seem all that long and compared to others who “try” a decade or better it’s not but to me four was an eternity.

I kept a thermometer by the bed to monitor my body temp so that we would know what nights were best to “try”…Careful not to “try” to often because both of us needed to be-PRIME.  We-or I should say I tried everything shy of standing on my head…which actually I think I did try at some point….Listening to everybody’s advice.

“Try this…do it this way..dont’ do this -instead try this..” and we did.

Try and try and try again. I don’t even want to think about how much money was spent on ovulation kits, pregnancy test, Clomid, trips to the infertility doctor, herbs, “HOW-TO books”…yada-yada-yada…not to mention everybody in my family asking or knowing we were “trying” was just – well …creepy. for lack of a better word.

and then one night..beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep -my thermometer showed my temperature going up!! could it be? no way. surely not?? but we were— FINALLY !!!!! pregnant!!!!!!!! I think I took four test to be SURE!

YAY! AT LAST I got to make “that” appointment..The one where I could squeal with delight and say “I NEED TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT-I THINK I’M PREGNANT.”

My doctor was an hour and a half way.. Within the week I had seen the doctor & had a due date of January 8.. Doc had indeed affirmed we had a “BABY ON BOARD”

No time to waste…I had lined up a painter, had the nursery painted, finished preparing my classroom at school for the year and had started gathering goodies within the first four weeks.  I WAS SOOO STINKIN’ EXCITED!  My plans were FINALLY working out…

I felt great.  No sickness. A little sluggish but nothing to complain about and then on morning in late July…

I woke up with a pressure I had not felt before.  I did around the house hoping to distract myself and ease the anxiety but the pressure grew worse.  I decided to call Doc.  The sweet nurse said “why don’t you come on in and let us check you just to be sure..” That was just what my heart wanted to hear.  Fortunately J, being self-emplyed was home.  Within the hour we were loaded and on our way to Birmingham.

I cautiously stretched out in the back of our SUV.  We rode in complete silence for about 45 minutes when “the peace that surpasses all understanding” flooded my soul I broke the silence with “this isn’t going to end well..”  and I began to cry.  I cried quietly because I knew by J’s silence- he was terrified.

We arrived about a half hour later.  I could barely sit in a chair by this point so I stood until we were called back.  My Doc was gracious and kind and was eager to see what was going on.  The pressure hurt.  He said, ” I’m going to check you –just take some deep breaths and try and relax.”  And then just as I released my first deep breath-my water broke.  No one had to say a word.  The shock and disbelief and sorrow was on everybody’s face.  The next few minutes were a blur.  The hurrying and scurrying, the wheelchair and finally my room.  They had whisked me from the office, across the catwalk, down the hall to the last room on the right.  I remember it was small and mostly dark and I distinctly remember knowing I should have been sad.  Very sad but that ‘peace that surpasses all understanding” lingered still……Within an hour upon being admitted to the hospital, IV in, monitors on, family called and on their way my doctor came by with this..”Seventeen weeks is early.  Too early.  Your pray for your child at this point needs to be that his heart will stop beating so that we can induce you otherwise we will have to transport you to a nearby hospital because our policy will not allow us to induce you this early because it would be considered a form of abortion.”

My ears felt as though they were bleeding.  “heart to stop beating” “too early” “form of abortion”….WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is not at.all. what I had planned. or pleaded for and still the “peace that surpasses all understanding” would not leave me alone.

I wanted to be sad.  I wanted be mad.  I was crying but still …the peace.

So I began to pray…” Lord I don’t know what’s best.  You do.  I am yours.  Do with me as you will.”

What else could I do?

Within 24 hours his little heartbeat stopped.

The doctors induced me, our little Samuel weighing just under a pound was born quiet and still.

Momma, J and I cried. and cried and cried.

and still..the peace.

The nurses asked if we wanted to hold him or see him.  J and I said no.  We will see him in glory and we will.

We asked the doctors to test him to be sure all was ok with him.  They did.  He was perfect-just too small.

We chose to have him cremated and did not have a service.  and that’s okay.  People mourn differently.  Ours was peaceful.

You’ve heard “you can learn a lot from a child” and ” a baby changes everything”

I would agree.

I am not the same woman as I was before Samuel.  In our short time together he taught me that in spite all of my efforts, the Lord is the Giver of Life, the Creator-not me. The power to sustain and keep and control are not in me -instead the Blessed Controller of all things is and “He works all things together for good for those who love the Lord..”

Life’s not about me.

Thank you Father- for sharing Samuel with us.. because of our time with him I KNOW the “peace that surpasses all understanding”… and have learned how to experience that peace in the midst of the worst, most painful seasons of life.

I was given an email by my dear, dear friend April during our season of loss –the email was the testimony of a woman who had lost 11 children.  This was her prayer “if the Lord wants to use my body to create little worshippers to come and sit at His feet he can use me..”

This became my prayer.  I am not my own.  I am His.  I was bought at a price and I am here to glorify Him.  How the Lord chooses to use me is His call.  I am simply a willing vessel.